Numa Numa Aya

I woke up several times this morn. I can't get the thoughts and events of the past few days out of my head. I feel like my heart still has a gaping wound from all this. it hurts and i can't seem to get rid of this feeling. i hate people seeing me like this. i am supposed to be the happy one, though, i was asked, the other, to try not to pretend to be happy when i am not. easier said then done...though i guess it wouldn't feel so drained if i stopped the acting but i need to do this.
i need to try and be happy. i need to make people around me happy. i need to be happy so that they will be happy. it sounds stupid, but people just automatically seem happier...are annoyed when they are around happy people.
i came up with a solution that harms me alone. I had some talks with people...
the one with Debbie makes me feel a little better. but because i am lazy, i will just paste:
Jenn: i talked to terry for a bit last nite
Debbie: good or bad?
Jenn: i don't know. i hurt because i know what i can do to make people happy, but i will suffer but everyone would be happy, just not me
Jenn: but that doesn't matter
Debbie: who cares if it makes everyone happy but is hurtful to you?
Jenn: only emotionally, i just. i just don't know how long i can do it
Jenn: so i haven't committed to it yet
Debbie: is this about the pepper spray?
Jenn: *lol* it makes me cry just thinking of it.
Jenn:*nods* and my walking
Debbie: (grumbles under her breath)
Jenn:?
Jenn: i think, i think i will give up walking at nite
Jenn: though it hurts
Debbie: well, if you need to or want to walk at night, you know where i live
Debbie: that at least is a compromise
Jenn: i mentioned to terry that i mite just drive somewhere and sit the car, if i had to get away...i hate driving, but if it makes people happy
Debbie: i can drive you to the park or someplace
Jenn: but i can't stop crying about the no walking at night
Jenn: *lol* stupid isn't it?
Debbie: i can beat up people for you
Jenn: that's ok. i just can't see the group for awhile
Jenn: i know they aren't making me do this. but i don't want them knowing how much it's hurting me. i feel like my wings were clipped and just not healing
Debbie: (is not angry with jen, but very very angry!!! and doesn't have right words to put thoughts into words or she would)
Jenn: why are you angry?
Debbie: people are stupid
Jenn:they just foolish worry over me. you didn't see them yesterday...it's haunting how upset they were
Jenn: i can't get them out of my head
Debbie: but what about the things they do? are they practicing what they preach
Debbie: ??
Jenn: i don't know
Jenn: i don't like people being mad at me, or angry or frustrated, it goes against all the hard work i've done
Jenn: i want ppl to be happy
Jenn: i want to make ppl happy
Jenn: and what i did
Jenn: i,i didn't want that
Jenn: and i can't think of anything else
Jenn: i'm the only bird being killed by the stone. so it works
Debbie: but you shouldn't sacrifice your own well being in exchange for their happiness
Jenn: they won't see that way. they will see if as my physical well being being protected
Debbie: well let me talk some sense into them
Jenn: it's ok
Debbie: no it's not!
Jenn: i don't want them to know what it's going to cost me
Jenn: sorry for the burden
Debbie: don't apologize. that's what friends are for
Jenn: i am sorry. i just knew you'd understand how i feel
Debbie: i'm glad
Jenn: i can just pretend to be ok with the choice. pain is ok as long as they don't see me cry
Debbie: i still think there are a few ...discussions... that need to be had
Debbie: with a few...certain...people
Jenn: they'll only get more upset with me
Debbie: will you let me talk with them
Jenn: if you feel you must, but i can't face them...not for a while
Debbie: thank you
Jenn: *hugs*
Debbie: understandable
Debbie:now, who all do i need to talk with?
Debbie: james, megan...
Jenn: well, those at the table, that seemed upset, were james, meagan, nathan and brandt
Jenn: henderson was there, but he didn't seem upset with me
Debbie: good
Jenn: o, terry knows about it to and didn't seem happy
Debbie: ok
Jenn: but i don't have his image in my head
Jenn: and meagan and i aren't talking still
Debbie: i'm very sorry
Jenn: it's ok, i'm sure she'll talk to me when she's ready
Jenn: i don't mean to cause trouble
Debbie: you're not
Jenn: it seems at least someone was unhappy w me everyday
Jenn: and i think they feel i do it on purpose
Debbie: well, if it's any consolation, it wasn't me
Jenn: *hugs* i am glad

yep, it made me feel better, that and listening to Dragostea Din Tei by O Zone has helped. so now i am waiting for what's to happen next.
this year has started out so caustically, so much pain, but there is happiness.
on a happier note, i enjoyed our anime film group last night. lol it was mentioned that i am tohru from fruits basket. i disagree, but who knows. i needed that. from there i want to debbie's and karla's and stayed there for a few, then headed upstairs. they are great for me *hugs them both*. i just wish i could figure myself out.
what is wrong with me?