Wise Words From Another

The day was a bit hard for me. I went to the wednesday devotional, that i have been attending for a while, but..today was hard. I was momentarily a focus. i don't want to be a focus, but what can one do?
I felt like i was being wrongly honored. Brandt said that he, james, and terry had talked about me and thought that i was 'kind'. I know i should feel honored that they think such about me, I mean, I think i feel honored but i don't think i am kind. i don't see that in me.
it bothers me. i don't really know why, but, why can't people see what i see? what's wrong with me? i guess i shouldn't complain, i mean, being considered kind is a good thing, right?
debbie and i talked, on the drive back. she gave some very good advice. she said, "try thinking of how you would think of a person, who was doing the same exact thing as you, with the same exact reasons..." well, at least along that lines. i think that is hard and further proves just how much of a hypocrite i am.
i still say, " a kind deed done for a selfish reason is still selfish."
another thing that got to me was that Gary said that he thought that i had overcome many hurdles since joining the group. i don't know what he means. debbie agreed with him..but i don't see it. how have i changed? was it really for the better or do i just act how i think they'd want me?
whatever is going on, i know God is watching me, guiding me so that i can be someone he can be proud of. someone who people can look at and say, "she is a Christian" and that "She really loves the Lord". Perhaps then, when my twin and i finally see each other again, she can share in my joy and will want to be close to him as well.
i hope she does. it will make her happy to love him and finally re-acknowledge his love. and, hopefully, the Lord will be happier for another one of his children will come to him thanks to him and his awesome love and greatness. that will be a great day. a day when my physical family and spiritual family become one.