i Want To Be

I don't know what it is. Sometimes I feel like I'm ready to start dating again been then...then I find some reason why not to...but..lately, finding reasons is getting harder...I mean, i couldn't bring myself to try again, I didn't see a reason to risk such pain. I'd like to think that i'm past healing...
it's just that...just that, i don't know...
i know my friends wouldn't lie to me, not intentionally, but i just..i just have a hard time seeing what they claim to see in me and...and i know that they are a bit biased towards me because they are my friends. i think they are often too kind to me. sometimes their kindness saddens me because i think "if they really new me...they wouldn't think such..." or i become afraid that they will see what I see and then...and then...
it's okay tho. i know what it feels to have all the people you depended on or cared for turn their backs on you. i know how it feels to be left utterly alone because you refuse to abandon another. it is ok. it is ok if they see me for what i am because it is truth. truth, no matter how painful, is still there. it is truth. nothing changes truth.
but what if it isn't truth? What if it is misconception? What if I am the one whose 'truth' is wrong? what if what i am seeing, isn't what is? what then? What?
i am striving to become what the others see. i want that to be the truth. i want it but it is so hard. how can i become kind if i think of self? i try...i try really hard to live up to the image but...i don't know...
they say i am kind...but...I want to be kind. i want to be loving. i want to be...
i want to be the type of person that people could look at and they say, "She is a Christian". i want that. that would be enough. to be what Jesus would consider a follower of him. i am his and i proudly wish the world to know. i want to make God proud. i want the world to know the joy i have in my heart...though..i often selfishly...stupidly cover that joy with worldly problems...fears, doubts...
how dare i? how dare I!
how can i be unhappy when i have the Lord? He has me, heart and soul...I pray heart and soul; i pray never a breath leave me without our love being shared, but how dare i be unhappy, unthankful that i am continuously blessed, each and everyday, by my Lord?
this growing closer to Him is hard. I know i am not strong, but i know that he grants me strength. sometimes, sometimes i wish that i had someone to help me in my walk...to help me grow. sometimes i selfishly just want someone to love and have my love returned, whom i can touch, but...but the Lord is all i need. i don't need someone. i don't. i don't...do i?
sometimes i think i could truly make someone esle happy...that i could be the one to help them grow, help them. sometimes i think i could so o many things but i know that i am damaged and...and that they would be better off with someone else. someone whole, someone better. someone who could make them happy. i couldn't do that. i don't want to fail people.
i want people to be happy. they don't need to know who did it, i'd rather they didn't but sometimes...sometimes my fear gets in the way. i should trust people more but i fear that maybe the small gift, or note, or whatever won't make it to the person...i guess i shouldn't worry so much because things will work out.
i wish for people to be happy. i think that is another reason why i am so joyful about being a Christian. I can help people, well, when i can do so again with a clear conscience, see the love of my Lord, then they to will have such joy. they will be happy...happiness that can not be broken not matter the trials and pains for they will have the Lord. I wish the world such happiness. i wish..i wish that my light were stronger, that, that i can shout day and night the love of my Lord. i want the world to be happy. i want people to be happy. i want to make people happy.
i wish, that if God so willed it, that someday,...someday i could make a person happy without...without hurting them. without failing. i want...
i wish that i wasn't so selfish, so, so stuck on my wants. so for now, for now i need to grow, to become someone worthy...for now, now i can be content and know that maybe someday, maybe, just maybe God has someone waiting for me...someone who'd be willing to love me like the Lord does, love me with all my faults. but it is okay.
it's okay if that is not meant for me. my past has made me strong. the Lord has made me strong and i would be prepared. I just want be one who lives God's will. I want to be