rather be sweet

i dont like bitter
i dont, honest
but i am tired of being reminded of how things are
and how people think i am dealing with things the wrong way
and that things seem to just get more stressful
to get worse
i am not strong
never said i was
but i dont know what to do
and i am tired
but...but i cant sleep
sleep is painful and it scares me
i dont like it
and i dont like crying
but life is
life is pain that is why
why we cant wait to die
no matter what happens in the afterlife, if there is anything, then at least this life has ended
perhaps i am meant for the fiery depths of hell, after all, and this life is just God's way of preparing me
perhaps God is really being kind to me by showering me with all this hurt and sadness so that when i die..that the pain will seem as if it were nothing and i'll think back to my life as happy in comparison
perhaps i am just meant to be broken
perhaps i was one of the ones meant to lose so that others will feel that much better about their lives by passing me by
not everyone is meant to finish
i dont understand why people like living so much
i dont understand
and i dont think want to because that would make the hurt greater
it would make the living that more painful and me more bitter
i am tired of being reminded that i am meant for nothing more than pain and suffering
and i just want to quit
but i cant and that makes me all the bitter because i know better
life is not fair and i honestly wish i were never born
sometimes, in my weaker moments i think about cursing God for making me have to live...but then i sit there and bitterly cry over how stupid it is because i cant, should i have actually mean to and do so, curse God for he is the one who has the power; if anyone were to follow through with the cursing, He'd be the one and it would be stupid to even request him to ever do such.
i just wish i were never born for nothing has been worth it and the thought of having to live forever; my soul being immortal breaks my heart
i dont want to be immortal in anyway
i dont really even want to be remembered
i never dreamed of even living this long... i never wanted to
ive regretted being alive since i was twelve
i prayed for death for the longest time...but prayers arent always answered with a 'yes'
sometimes i wish i knew what my purpose was...so i could get it over with...
or that i knew how many more days i had left to suffer so that i would have something to look forward too
but God doesnt work that way
i dont fully understand how he works
and i know that i often sound ungrateful because he died die for me...but i would die too
perhaps my eagerness is the problem...and there is something that i am meant to learn; to figure out before i die
perhaps what God wants is for me to be grateful for this life, for these experiences
perhaps i have to find joy in living before i am allowed to pass...
which would be ironic...
to want to live but die
maybe the lesson is that we dont get what we want but we have to smile anyway and keep pretending that we are the happiest in the world and ignore the honesty issues that people throw in out face
i think i need to go back to pretending...
which means i need to suck it up and sleep more so that ill have the energy to go back to pretending
i hope im not to out of practice
i hope that i am able to ignore those who bother me about the falseness. i tried it there way...they can get over it. they never did anything to help or encourage so i dont care. sometimes i want to see them so that i give them a slap in the face. i dont hate them...i just...i am just angry with them and..sometimes they had to suffer some of the grief they put upon me to try to make them happy. i changed for them...and it didnt do a thing. i am tired of having to change all the time...never being myself...so much that i no longer know myself..and ive lost my inner child...and i want that back...i want
it doesnt matter. it just the way things have to be and will forever be.