its been a while

a lot has happened...many, many things...
many thoughts...flooding my mind.
i havent been posting because i didnt want any of it saved..i didnt want remembrance. i wanted to forget all of it. this is just for people to know what is going on with me...and i didnt want anyone to know so...why post?
thats what i told myself.
'dont post' and 'just pretend nothing is going on; nothing is wrong'.
i post now, even tho i have a quiz in the morn, even tho i need the sleep...i really need to sleep...i need to stop having nightmares..i need to stop the images..but right now...i need to stop
i need to stop the crying.
i want this to be a moment that i can look back on, a moment that shows my future self that i got thru, i dealt with it, i am stronger now.
i am tired of feeling helpless, feeling weak and bitter. i am tired of being this weak minded fool who keeps crying over the little things.
i made a promise: I will be strong.
but when i watch things...things to cloud my mind with happy distraction...and i end up crying 'spite my efforts... it hurts.
but i cant help it.
its stupid to miss those you've never met..even..even tho its someone who has influenced you...made you happy...made you want to be better than you were..better than you are...makes you want to leave each day better for just being...
maybe...maybe i feel so horrible..because..because i havent been doing that...because i havent been trying as hard...perhaps because i hope was finally broken...
it was inevitable...hope is never meant to last forever...it was foolish of me to dream so...
i am tired of my heart feeling like this...it feels heavy, but hollow...pain like its burning inside out yet cold..very cold..its like i can feel its icy grip on my neck...it hurts..it hurts...it feels like my heart itself is crying...because..that is how i feel...i feel like my heart is stretching....flooding..and it hurts...
but i dont want people to see...
i dont want to break my promise...but it is hard...it cut myself off...because...because it couldnt stop...the other day...i couldnt stop crying...
it seems..it seems i do that a lot lately..
a lot more before...before i didnt truly understand...i wish... i wish i didnt know...then i could..
but i cant and that's why i am better
its not fair...it hurts..it hurts that i can never...
and it scares me because it fills my thoughts...i cant make it stop...night and day the images flood my mind...it makes me cry...because i know i cant..that i wont...but then there is that fear..back...deep within my mind that says, 'but what if you do? what if you brake and end up doing it? what if you loose control?' and then i find myself shaking...
then i feel bitter tears...
i have to be more careful with myself...i have to make myself eat, more often...i find that ill skip a day...if im not careful...
it makes me wonder if my subconscious and body are trying to fulfill my thoughts..with out my notice...its hard to spot...or is it that i just dont want to see? is it really suicide...if i do it without knowing?
its stupid...im stupid...im pathetic.
i shouldnt think like this.
i shouldnt struggle with this.
i shouldnt have to struggle like this.
im tired.