on1y one

i thought so much about it and did several drafts but i keep...i keep having trouble posting them. i hate when i'm like that. i hate that i have so much fear about things.
i talked to james, for a while, last night. i thought he would be more sensitive to my problem...he did help though i do not know whether he knows so. but i just had so many questions fluttering around that i had such a hard time voicing any of them.
i just wish i knew what i am expected to do and i miss my walks...i have nothing to fill it though i have tried the track...it is not the same so though i could simply do that...i prefer not walking at all...but i do miss those mind clearing walks. i miss the inner piece that i got when i came back...i feel they would be helpful now...but i still...i still can not gather the nerve to walk off campus. i still see the haunting glares.
anyway, i seems that i thought i was stuck...stuck in my crush. i know i am not best for him so that it would just be better to move on..but at the same time...just thinking about him makes me happy. it makes me forget other things..but that is not a good thing for then i have these days where i can not help but blurt his name. that is not a good thing.
i talked to debbie...i guess for validation but...i found out that i heard not heard her back me up at deva's. i wish i had.
we also talked and she mentioned the talk she had had with the guy..some time ago..concerning me. well, not much was said, but basically, i was right. he does not think he would be right for me. he doesn't know if he could deal with me.
okay, not the exact way she said it, but still. i know that i am a 'bit much' that 's a reason one i stay alone. i do not wish to burden anyone with my...my problems. i am kind of relieved that i was right...but..but still
i felt a little bit heart broken, which i know is silly, it's just..just that...when i am around him, i can not help but be more happy and..and i no longer feel like i have any troubles and i forget all other things. his whole not being able to know what to do wouldn't even be an issue for me because..
but i shouldn't think such things. they are poor, selfish, foolish thoughts. i want him to be happy and i knew that it could not be with me..so i choose to remain silent. i will go on pretending that i feel nothing and perhaps i will get better. i don't really want to forget the feelings i have, for they do give me happiness, though, perhaps undeserved, but still.. i think a little happiness is ok and i am content with that amount.
i am content that God will give him the happiness he so richly deserves..for he deserves much happiness in life.
that thought will make me happy. God is so good to give us just what we need. God makes the world stand still so that our hearts have the chance to catch up, to completely take in the glorious power and majesty of it all.
i can be happy and i think i am finally..finally warming up to that..to that whole alien emotion. i can be happy despite myself.
i was able to acknowledge that Eric was not my fault. it hurt to say it and a sadness grew inside, but...i know i've known for years but...i was able to let go. i don't think it means i am ready to go back into dating...though i think my advisor sees it otherwise..and even though i feel better about myself..now that my da is involved with another woman (*mixed about that) it has helped but now i have nothing to protect myself from another occurrence of..of the same thing. but it is okay. God has made me strong, all my life has worked me up to this point and i think the pain...the pain of my life is..it is fine. it will just become numbness that i will forget for i pray for such. maybe God will some day answer the prayer and let me forget it all and i will be happy and will not have these problems and i will finally be whole enough for me to be able to bring happiness to a person. i will be able to make people happy.
i do not think that a person who is obviously unhappy can ever really make others happy. it brings sadness to their hearts and...but i will work on it.
at least i am validated in my thoughts. i am not the only one who thinks lie this. i am not the only one.