Tears of aversion

i think i went to far today...it hurt and i was too weak...but...i kept my promise. they did not see my tears...though..they thought was sleeping...which saddens me...but it is ok.
I didn't want them to see. i didn't want them to be concerned. these are my problems...i just couldn't stop crying. i didn't...i didn't want them to see.
i have worked to hard to be this weak! i have suffered for so long. how could i mess things up so horribly? i could i have gotten so careless? so stupid! all these years can not be for naught! i refuse to give up. i will be stronger. i can deal with the pain. i should not let it affect me. i should not let the pain get the better of me. how dare i...
i dare I so carelessly let my problems affect others.. i went to far! i should not have done it. i should have swallowed...can i call it pride? nay, i have no pride nor dignity afforded to me...but whatever it is...i should not let myself be so horrid as to serve as a possible distraction. i did not mean to do so. it was one thing that i cost myself fellowship...but..to do what i did...i am sorry. but how can i face them?
i can i face the group? to many know about me. to many people know my shame. how can i look at them?
i ruin things all the time...my touch is poison.
i need to stay away from them...away...crying my tears of aversion...