Sweetness

I haven't posted in a while...so many things have been happening. i want to say that i didn't think they were important enough to blog...but that is not true...i just was afraid...more of ashamed about some of them...that or i didn't went written proof that they happened.
i had to stop typing this, for a bit, because i felt like crying...remembering hurts.
i feel bad for some of the things i've done...but sadly, i sometimes fear typing them here because i know people read this...well some...and though i know they should think poorly of me...i am ashamed.
i found out that people from my high school though i had been avoiding them...that i was running and hiding from them...which i think i was...i did not like the person i was,back in high school...not that i like who i am now...so, i was afraid of them...partially from shame...but also...because one of them is a very great guy who always cheered me up...i don't know if he ever knew that...perhaps i will tell him...
he is very great...now that i have thought about it...i think that i have partially followed his example...i do try to cheer others up...though...i often question whether someone like me can...can i make people happy?
i feel like i am taking advantage of some many...they make me forget...they try to make me happy...i feel....i feel wrong for being unhappy.
i try to leave a good mark on each day. i try to make someone's life just a little better...but it is so hard sometimes because i feel like i am the one being serviced; like i am the one shown kindness; like i am in the way.
poor Brandt. the group used him in my embarrassment and i was so rude to him, i was so mean. i apologized to him...but he thought i had done no wrong. he is very kind. today, i caught him saying something wrong, something negative against him self...i asked him if he had and asked him not to...but then i was talking to a girl i had met on his other side and made a comment which he returned the question. i feel like such a hypocrite. if i have the courage, i will try to apologize to him...
sadly, the comment involved Brandt asking the girl if she had met me..(though we had not) and she said that she thought we had but that she couldn't remember my name...i jokingly said that it was okay because i am a forgettable person...
i'd like to be one, at least. for...i do not wish for people to think back on me in anger. i do not wish for them to hate me when i am gone for...i cause so much pain...especially to those i care about...it is better if people forgot about me...but maybe i am being selfish...but who wishes to be remembered like that? but, i guess i deserve it. Asking them not to remember such would be wrong.
oh, drastic change. Jerry knows about the *unicorn thing...not good for me....i probably thinks me more odd...but oh well...i am too tired to deal with that.
today...well, this evening, Christina had her ring ceremony (terry proposed saturday). it was great...though...the guys kept joking around and it kinda hurt. i was afraid that i would start crying...but i was worse and acted irritated and angry...i regret that. i just..i just didn't want to ruin things. why do things like that hurt so much?
i think...i ink its because i wonder what would have happened if i had ever said yes...both those guys are great, and i wish them much happiness, but i know i am too damaged...and i didn't want them to get hurt. i didn't want to hurt them. i wish they would only know happiness. i don't want...i don't want people to get hurt...but i felt selfish because i wanted to cry, which would have been horrible because i would have broken a promise...again...but, i am happy for them, for Christina and terry. much happiness their...
perhaps...perhaps i'll meet another sweet guy who won't let me chase him off. perhaps i can make them happy...perhaps they can make me happy? perhaps...perhaps...so many things are left to 'perhaps'. Perhaps i should wake up and get over this silly idea. i need to become a good person before i can be worthy of all my perhaps'.