Direct Questions

I have missed a few needs posts...things have not been going well..but i have managed. i feel like my heart was ripped from me. Sunday, both during the morn and evening services, i felt such pain from not being able to take communion...it hurts and i have no one to blame but myself.
i went to the track...though...i find that it is no substitute for my other walks. it's my own fault. james said i could do as i wanted...but i can't get the haunting stares of the others out of my mind. walking the track is a small sacrifice to keep them happy...even if they never know..that i do it for them and that i suffer so...but again, it is my choice.
however, sunday night, there seemed to be so many there...i...i did not wish for them to see me weep...to see me fall to my knees. i did not want that...but i stayed strong and did not flee to where i wished. i walked to the other track and walked onto the soccer field. there, i fell to my knees and wept. openly, i wept and i think it has given me the courage to talk to daggett...
i know that i planned to..but the fear that i would be expelled from this place was so strong. i was saddened that i did not have class with him monday morn (he was out of town) but there is hope for tomorrow. i pray that i have courage to ask for help. though, i know that i am not worthy.
i felt bad yesterday evening because i believe i unintentionally made bekah feel guilty. i did not mean so but people ask me direct questions...
direct questions are hard. i don't always want to answer...but...i shouldn't hold back. what do i have to hide? i find that it helps me be honest with myself for it forces me to answer to the questions i am to cowardly to ask of myself.
poor kyle was up wit me til about 3 am. he really is a nice guy but he asked me some direct questions...I hope he doesn't use some of that info against me especially the suicide stuff...I think i can trust him.
he thinks that i shouldn't keep people at a distance...i shared the suicide bit with him to give reason for why i keep people at some distance...that and the whole people dying on me...i just think it is less painful for all in the long wrong.
why is it that some think being close to me is a good thing yet others cut me off? i want to scream and show my emotional scars...i want to cry,"why?" why do people hurt me. it hurts. i can't even call michelle and see if she is ok. i can't contact her. i know God has given me strength to deal with this..but it hurts and ...it hurts. i am tired of hurting but...why? i don't understand but i know it is not my place. i...i just pray that i can refrain from crying again. i don't want the others to know. i don't want them to see. i want them to think i am happy. i want them to be happy.
it is so hard to be happy. i know it is a choice...but it is so hard. ignore my pain and grief...ignoring the emptiness is hard and it sometimes feels like there isn't enough joy in the world to fill the void...but i know t's not true. i have the Lord. i will always have my Lord.
i have been throwing myself into the stupidest things, trying to be happy. i found that i have latched onto my dress and the upcoming events to make myself happy..though i know that it's not real...i am ashamed that it took me so long to realize that i should just focus more on my Lord. o how i love him. i would suffer a thousand fold the pain for him.
i feel that my policy with direct questions had added to my pain because i have forced myself to talk about things that just plain hurt..but at least people will eventually stop mentioning me and dating topics..and i will stop thinking about the past. the past is..the past is behind us..and it's not supposed to matter..but it has made me who i am...so at least, for that, i am somewhat thankful.
i know i am of the least, that i am not yet worthy, but, at lest i know that much and can grow from there. i can become a better person. i can become happy and kind, loving and trustworthy. compassionate. strong...but i have much growing to do.
i know not if the direct questions policy is a good thing, in the long wrong, but...i do not see how honest is not best.
o, random rant: I disagree that one can be too generous.
it has only made me think more of the person the other was describing. not that i would say it aloud. heavens no! that would cause an awkward problem.
anyway, this day shows much promise so i will do my best. much happiness to all!