Forgiveness

In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn't come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I'd want to learn
Was wisdom trust and truth
But now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

"Forgiveness" by Collective Soul

Why i'm i so messed up? why am i so hateful? why am i such a bitter coward?
yesterday morn, i thought ill of someone, for a moment, but that all it takes. a moment.
For a moment, i wished ill towards another but that has seemed to spread throughout my mind all day. yesterday, i spent the day trying to gather the courage to ask the guys forgiveness but it seems that everyone i have talked to thinks that i am silly or stupid. i don't get why...to me it is goes back to the whole 'if you think hate towards another or kill him in your mind, it is as if you kill them in life" thing. that bothers me. i don't like thinking ill of others but the more i have stressed about this, it seems the feeling has been fueled...
but i called him, well, i tried. the only way i can contact the guy is via my mom...but, thankfully, he wasn't there...so i asked my mom to tell him, "I'm glad you weren't killed by the hurricane." was that a cop-out?
i talked to some people about it...though i have at least kept my mouth shut about some of the other things...i guess the only reason i mentioned it, besides being asked directly, but i wanted validation of what i should do..maybe as a way out of asking...that, and i feared what would happen. i don't like kirk. but no matter how someone feels about another, there is no reason to wish ill of them.
it's like how you shouldn't let your pain are frustration influence how you act. i think...i think that
i don't like not being in control how i act. i think it's a weakness..a weakness that can and should be controlled. it's like how a person shouldn't strike out in anger it shows a lack of control.
i don't get some people, but i guess i have no place to say such since no one seems to get me, but...no one seems to understand...i don't get what people say...
james said i was forgiving...but if i were easily so forgiving...How come i can't seem to forgive myself?
brandt said that i am kind...but i don't see that...i am selfish and self-centered.
henderson said i was strong...but...so often i found myself weak. i even run to self hurting because i am weak. i even fear making simple calls.
i am also horribly scared. knowing what people think of me scares me. i fear that they will think the same of me as i see in myself...but at the same time, i think that people don't know me...otherwise...they'd see what i see.
i hate looking in the mirror. why am i so horrible? why can't they see the monster that i am? maybe they are just being kind. i know a lot of kind people.
i feel bad for henderson. i don't really understand this feeling...but he seemed surprised about the whole 'no dating" policy...which i know i am questioning..but at the moment, i am still not ready for dating...but still, i hope i had not deceived him.
he asked me if he scared me...i was taken aback. i mean, how often do people feel comfortable. or confident enough, or even brave enough to ask someone that as an honest concern? i like that he could ask me...but i don't know about how i responded. i mean, i don't fear him, as a person, but the idea that i might consider me...as a girlfriend...not that i have anything against him...but, as i have said, i am not ready for such things.
anyway, i went on my rant of not fearing him, but chad (he scares me so!) and how foolishly i had acted an hour before our talk...anyway, henderson, ever being serious, said that he asked because james had asked him if he liked me...many thoughts flew through my head...but...i got quiet and listened...henderson continued, i guess sensing my uncomfortableness, to reason out how people might think such things:how we talk for hours, how he walks me to the dorm...i voiced my irritation that james never seems to involve me in such things...I mean, last year he went to deva, who went to debbie...who, to my horror, told me what happened...anyway, why can't people *cough* james, keep their promise and come to me?
anywy, i sighed and laughed, trying to change the subject, and said, "That was just silly..everyone knows i'm anti-dating"...oops.
i had thought he knew...but it seems it was his turn to be taken aback for he said, "really?" and i nodded. he then asked the dreaded question "why?" *sighs* people and their direct questions...well, i told him, "Well, considering how my last relationship ended with him killing himself..."...I guess saying that there was an awkward silence is pointless...
i was almost floored when he asked if i had dumped the guy...me? dump a guy? do other people think that's what happened?
i don't think, well, i'd like to think that i hadn't deceived poor henderson. i mean, not to say that henderson 'isn't my type"...well, i guess i am..but for me..it's more of the lines of, i don't think i would make him happy. being able to make someone happy is a big deal to me. i mean, henderson is a nice guy but...we only seem to talk about anime *quickly adds* not that anything is wrong with anime *hugs Johnny Bosch* but people need more than one thing...having one thing helps...but...despite what people may think, i am not a fanatic, i mean, there is a ton of things i don't know about anime and though i can talk for a great amount of time on them, i can't do it nonstop...*hmms* though...i haven't tried that...
anyway, i think that henderson needs a girl who can listen to him and help him with his confidence. someone who makes him..makes him willing to speak up. someone who can make him feel comfortable in unfamiliar situations. i do not think that i could do that. i do not think i could make him happy...though..i guess it is a matter of choice...making someone happy. i just do not feel up to doing such with him...does that make me hypocritical...or shallow or just horrible?
i feel that way...but... it's not like he asked me out...which i am glad because i don't like saying no to people in that situation because i hate how it seems to make people feel that they are being rejected or that their is something wrong with them. it is not the case.i miss my people. we understood that being told no is not meant to hurt. i just don't think i am right. there is always someone out there that can make us happy and if every person always said yes, then how would we find that person?
sometimes i wish i had an arranged marriage because i know i would make it work without having to deal with all the worry of how things would happen. i would work very hard to make him happy...though..i guess i would miss the excitement and wonder...that feeling is...anyway...
i guess it is wrong of me to act suchly to henderson because i know that if certain guys ask me...that i might give up my dating policy...but just not for him...i feel bad because what if it happened tomorrow and henderson found out and thought that i mislead him with what i had said? i won't matter.
i did not lie to him and, like i said, it's not like he asked me out.
but why do i feel so bad? oh!
henderson told me, after reminding me of his 'love' assignment (that didn't send the warning flares up) and then mentioned me...oh how was i worried. he told me he had written about me because he thought i was cool..that he thought i was kind and strong...that made me quite uneasy..and...i still question what he said...
*gasp* could it be that my friends are telling the truth? *worried giggle* logic would suggest so..but i just don't see it. maybe i'll catch a glimpse when he lets me read it..though...i am worried about what he thinks about me...and how am i supposed to react to such? *sighs* i hope this ends well.
i started thinking about dating...which is odd, considering all the other things flooding my thoughts...but, i hope this doesn't come back to bite me, but...i think that if a guy could convince me that dating would be a good idea...that i wouldn't hurt him and that he thought that i could make him happy..that maybe...just maybe i would date him...i would be scared..and awed..and in disbelief that someone would be so brave...so determined...i don't know...sometimes i miss rob and his playful persistence..sometimes ;) but i don't know. that is crazy and wrongfully high expectations. i shouldn't think such things...
i feel kind of bad this semester..i think i have become blind towards the others...maybe i've just become to self-absorbed but it is hard to see the need in others...last year seemed easier to see what people needed...what they needed to make there day...make them happy. why can't i see that?
what i am able to do is hard because i can't seem to find the things that can be done anonymously...perhaps i haven't been out as much because it is hard to find people who need something...perhaps i will randomly put coins in the dryers this week...or put coins in a snack machine..i don't know...i haven't done much for people this semester and i feel morally behind.
i know i could donate money to a needy missionary..but i am using money to feed the group at the devo...i know it's not a big thing...and that it isn't a big deal...it's not like i'm making the food...but...the time between the end of the devo and dinner is about the some amount between lunch and dinner...and it's not like it's a meal...just something..something to refresh them...and if a person should miss dinner in order to come..at least they will have food. i wish people wouldn't mention me. it is not a big deal. i don't want anything from it. i don't want the credit. people don't listen to me. it is not a big deal. i am not kind.
i just, i just do what i think i can. it's like i really had any part...i mean, if it weren't' for God, i wouldn't have the funds. they should thank him. i am but the lowly tool. i don't even drive to get the food. i just hand people the money...when you think about it...only has value because people says it does. money isn't a big deal...money can't really buy happiness. if you give a baby a dollar...it wouldn't think much of it. it reminds me of the story of the child who gets this fancy, expensive bicycle...who ends up playing with the bow it came in...money isn't a big deal...money corrupts. i guess i could manage it better..but, a friend smiling is worth much more to me...
why am i so.....i am just doing my best at being me...i am trying to become something better than i am now. i want to be a good Christian..but why does that seem to hard? i couldn't even as forgiveness from kirk today...though...i did call. i called for forgiveness. i am glad that God isn't that hard to get a hold of. i am glad that he is always here. i am glad that he forgives me...even though he knows me.
why is it so hard for me?
why do i make a big deal over so many things?
why should it matter?
terry laughs at me...probably thinks i'm silly and frustrating. he doesn't understand me when i ask for his forgiveness...people don't understand...
at least God understands. God understands my heart and even though i fail to say what i mean, he knows and he forgives...he forgives even me.