food for thought

i was checking other peoples blogs, before i was to run off to eat...but one..one, i fear, was about me...it made me cry.
i hadn't noticed until, feeling that my face was cold, i went to rub me cheeks and realized they were wet...i did not mean to cry...but at least i was alone in the room. i skipped lunch because i was afraid they would tell what i did through my eyes. my stupid eyes seem to give me away to often. besides, i don't need food...at least not right now. right now...right now i need to think...
people are too kind to me...i do not see with their eyes...it is hard realizing that is their expectation.
also, i am worried and feeling avoidant. more people know of my attempt than i would wish. the link in the other blog hurt for it was about a person attempting...except...except someone was stopping him. i don't know how i would feel about that...being stopped. i do not think...i...i would not wish for others to know that i was going to attempt...for fear they would try to stop me...that they would cry for someone like me...that they to would feel such helplessness...i would not wish that upon them...
but, as painful as it is...i think that is why i was never warned by the others...i'd like to think that they, despite my actions, would know that i could never sit there and watch or help someone take their life. i know i could not. i know i would do everything in my power, while praying for the strength of the Lord to stop and help the person...
perhaps that was why i was never told...
but, i think i know understand more about the others...the other people in my group here. it hadn't hit me, until now, that...that it is why it would hurt them...hurt them if i had succeeded, that i had attempted. that it is not necessarily because i did what i did but that they felt like they couldn't...that they were helpless. i think that is why they would be sad if i had died.
i am sorry that i had not realized such earlier...otherwise, i would have tried harder to be strong...i do not wish to cause hurt of suffering towards others...though...
though, unlike the fanfic, i could not see anyone so foolish enough to act...to willingly risk their life to stop me...to save me...well, there is the Lord...but...i see a difference...a difference between robin and myself. he, well, if he were real, is a good person. he helps people. he saves people. he does things despite what they cost him. he is good. he just couldn't see it. i don't know why. i don't think he would...i'd like to think he would never think such...he is good. i can see that...it reminds me..reminds me of what tohru said to kyo about the plum on his back...that he could just not see it. robin just needed mirrors s that he could see...but, that's just me.