In anOther's Words

First off, God is awesome. I have foolishly been stressing over many things, of late, but God has shown time and again that he is in control. I am very glad. It seems that God has saved me from greater stress because of the masquerade. the date was changed again..and it had not been for the problems thus far, i would have seriously broken down. i i had gotten the right material needed, i would have attached the bustle to my dress and then would have had to remove and then re-attach it because of the change...though...now...the bustle is not a big thing for me right now...I am uncertain if i even want to go.
i know i sound childish...but, i am doubting if i can actually enjoy it know because of how much stress and irritation it is causing me...right know...i feel like cutting my losses and focus on other things...though...because the date has been changed (again) a certain person may be able to make it now....shamefully, that brings me happy comfort...not that it matters that they can now come...but still..i hope they can come because it may make them happy. so, God is good and awesome. sadly though, despite this comforting knowledge, i am still stressed and a bit depressed.
I haven't been able to help people much this semester. i haven't been able to make someone's life better everyday. i haven't been able to make the world a little bit better. during the greeting of the world missions workshop, i was made more aware of how little i do for people...how i am unable to help so many...that i am not doing enough. i just...i just don't know what to do. i am trying very hard to keep the people around me happy but i am failing horribly and it is depressing me. i am not doing enough. i am not looking hard enough. i am...i am just...it hurts. it hurts that i can't even do this little thing. i can't make the people around me happy.
i am trying very hard. i am trying to do things, though the scare me and make me highly uncomfortable, i embarrass myself to try and bring them a smile. i don't really like being the center of attention...but if i can distract them from whatever it is that is keeping them from their happiness, then...then it is worth it...though...i worry about what they think of me...but it doesn't matter...they smiled so it is worth it. i just fear what the next step will be after this stops working...sometimes...sometimes i just want to curl up and cry, "Tell me, please! what is it? what is it that i can do? what can i do to make you happy? please! please? tell me. please..." i would beg them...if i thought they would tell me, i would beg them if i could find what it is that could make them happy...though..i know that i may not be able to...or that i am not the one to make them happy. but i would try. i want to make them happy. perhaps i'm just being selfish.
today was hard because i wanted to cry. several times i wanted to cry. i have so much guilt and sadness...i just...i know i shouldn't feel this way...i have no right. i am blessed. God blesses me each and everyday...but i...so many things...i've been thinking about how i've been hurting myself with dairy...am i sinning? when i feel to weak to deal with this pain...am i not having faith in God that he will give me the strength to deal, to cope, to continue going on..but i don't even give him a chance...i just cry and say that i can't...i rationalize that it is better than pain killers...which i can't even trust myself with and is the reason i can not go to stores by myself...why am i so weak? i know i can withstand this pain...i just need to have more faith...i just don't know what is wrong with me...why do i keep sinning?
why do i keep hurting people? why do hurt myself? why am i so horrible? i keep doing things to people for no reason... i've been snapping at people...people who tell me of good they claim they see...when people praise me...even when they are being nice...i can't blame it on the pain...i am stronger than that. i know how to control myself. i...i just seem to be getting worse..i am becoming more like the person i was...more like the hurt animal...the dog that i am.
they say pride is before the fall...and that is what is happening to me...i was getting so proud at my progress...foolishly believing that i was becoming closer to being worthy...but...why? why can't i become good? why do i keep messing things up? especially hurting others along the way of my failure?
sometimes...sometimes you lack the full usage of words to perfectly express the heart. sometimes, sometimes there is a poem, a quote,...a song that pulls at you. you cry, "THAT is Exactly how I feel!" and the tears start to flow because you feel relief that your feelings are summed up...even if it is by another...because now, now people can know how you feel. and...if you think about it...there is at least one other who knows how you feel...
the song, for me right now, is: Damaged (808 remix) by Plummet
Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

There's only for my soul
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Can't go back...
Can't go back...
Can't go back...