signs of time

i really hate this school at times. i don't even know why i bother. i told myself that i would come here for the 'Christian atmosphere' so that i could be able to show my sister the joy of Christ, of giving up her way of life for something better...but i have found that i am no better off spiritually than i was when i came here..if anything, i am worse off because i feel like my spirit is being crushed. it hurts.
i have only been able to bring myself to take communion twice this semester. it feels like things are growing worse but..i feel helpless about it all. i don't talk about the stresses of life or the grief i have to put up with.
i 've been seeing people about my family..but...the school is causing my wounds to grow.
i have no reason to stay here. it would be easier and less stressful to go back to my state. i could live on my own, have no curfew. do what i want. i could even let my twin or little sister live with me, if not both.
why do i even bother?
there are great people here, and i would miss them..but..they do not know what is going on with me. it's my own fault...perhaps james is right but...i do not wish for people to be concerned though...i just don't know. i tell myself that if i just pack my things up and leave, it may be better. i don't know how much longer i can keep all the pain and grief calm, hidden.
i am just so tired of it. this school has done nothing but made things harder...if not for they mis-advising, the adding to the health problems, the getting involved with my life and making me feel worse about myself...what do they want from me? do they want me to give up? to break me? they are doing pretty well...and i don't have anything to show for it...i am not strong. i never was...but this place, this campus...why did i ever come? why was i so foolish to believe this school would help me with my family? with me?
now i have a warning...i don't know what it will do...but i did not know where exactly i was going to be...i know i should have but something..because this school is like that..but i remember trying to figure what to put and i guess, in my mind i wrote some number..except..i didn't. i sometimes wish others were going through this kind of stuff..but i am kinda glad that...that they aren't