silly me

i was up again...later than i should have. don't get me wrong, i like staying up, though i do try to be reasonable now-a-days- but...this wasn't my fault, not completely.
the pain kept me up...and i was crying...it hurts more and more everyday, it seems...that or i am just to weak to get over it or ignore it... i mean, aren't i supposed to be used to it by now? i refused to pass out in the bathroom again but it took more strength than i thought i had. God is good to me, for he granted me that, the ability to climb into my bed. it makes me happy that he takes care of me despite me.
but...i still don't know what to do, no, that is not true. i know what i can do but i don't want to...its not that i am afraid (i refuse to accept that) i just, i...i have no excuse, i just feel like..like i can't, i just can't. i don't want..i don't want to...but...i need to hold, to endure for a little bit long, i can do it. the Lord gives me strength, perhaps he allows me my foolish stubbornness...it's just that...i will admit it here alone, but i...it...it scares me (i type this while crying, both from pain and shame) but i don't have the escape that i had once granted myself. i will never attempt again, no matter what...and that knowledge both makes me feel stronger...but horrifies me to the core, at the same time...and i though the fear of my dad finally loosing all control and..and...i know i will survive it. i am that stubborn, but still...
and going to the doctors...i can't. i don't want to give him that trigger. i don't want to.
perhaps, perhaps it...maybe i am sinning in this, not only because of my letting such things happen to a temple, but because of my attitude, perhaps because i am so...stubborn and unwilling to listen to what God may be asking of me...and this, this knowledge, my constant rebellion to the Lord keeps me from being in...from taking communion...
sometimes...sometimes i get such horrible thoughts...such shameful, foolish thoughts...sometimes i think that 'maybe God doesn't care about me'..but then i think it shameful and silly for I know God loves me...and then i think...is it out of my place to think of God as a friend, well, in the since..well...like how sometimes a friend may do something, like not so hello, and then you feel like overlooked, or maybe you say something but the other person wasn't listening...sometimes i think that maybe...maybe God..maybe that it's not that He doesn't care, i mean i know he sacrificed so much for me and that our love flows deep the passages of time, but sometimes...sometimes i think that maybe...maybe he has forgotten about me...like maybe when a friend or family member doesn't call on your birthday...it's not that they don't love you...maybe, maybe they just forgot, or have been to busy...I know God deals with everyone constantly...and..and i don't really mind if God overlooks me...because i know that whatever happens, it is for the best for those who love Him, and i do, i truly do.
perhaps, perhaps my suffering will be used for some good...maybe, maybe if i can become stronger, complain less, maybe, maybe it could encourage others...perhaps...perhaps it will be for some good, all this pain...
i just wish i didn't feel so pathetic for even...for even feeling like this, i feel saddened that i am starting to not be able to hide it as well, i feel like i've gotten so lazy that...that..i feel like i should be better to deal with it all...i need to find something...the weight loss is becoming to noticeable...and i feel like, like i am been broken, like...i feel almost as much pain and sorrow like when i heard...heard that he was dead...i think that..maybe if i can through myself into my projects, do more things, even if i over exert myself, maybe i can stay distracted enough that i will only suffer in my dreams...but silly me
i could be braver, i can become stronger, i can pray more...but...i feel that...i have so many other things to pray for, so many things t thank God for, people to mention, things to talk to Him about, i feel...guilty for bringing things to Him, requests concerning myself, when i feel like i could...i could do better myself rather than...rather than be so selfish...people, good people and even bad people could use more blessings in life...not that God hasn't already blessed us greatly, but, i think that any blessings He would be willing to grant me, it perhaps could be used elsewhere, or maybe, maybe someone deserves it more, or good put them to better use...
i feel silly...i remember my desperate pleas to the Lord to take me in place of Dustin for I knew he good do so much more good than i...at least, at least Josh was encouraged my my private thoughts (thankfully he gave them back)...but still... sometimes i still think back to it...God could always switch us, at any moment, since all things are possible to Him...but perhaps..perhaps he didn't, back then, because my salvation is so...questionable, so shaky...
silly me...when will i learn? -_-