shallow hearts of pain

what does one do?
this morn, i was still not feeling that well and had regretted eating the pieces of chicken the night before but...well, i decided to take a chapel skip. i don't like doing so, but i said, "well, at least you'll be going to your classes today.." haha, sadly i missed my 10 o' clock because i could not find any of my hair brushes. 'because of a hair brush?' yes, as pathetic as it is.. i refused to leave my room without my hair at least being brushed. i am against leaving the room/suite without a shower (but i did so for the nurses monday) but i want my hair brushed. it is bad enough that i agreed to not put my hair up 'til next weds at 3:30, but still. sadly, i suspected that one of my 'missing' hair brushes was in my car...i became distressed because that was still outside...
while i was trying to convince myself to go out and get it (i was debating about wearing a hat to cover my unbrushed head but that was iffy with the deal i made about my hair) class had started. I then, in my acknowledged pathetic state, sat down at my computer. well, it wasn't until long that a screen popped up that i recognized, yet was not in my buddy list. i decided to respond out of curiosity...
i kind of regret that now.
well, i ended up knowing the person and the conversation started out well enough, we even laughed because we didn't know if the other would respond. We did the pleasantries:asked who each were, how life was, and any updates.
well, that was when things went wrong. I made the mistake of mentioning that I have finally accepted that i as not at fault for eric's suicide...she was not happy with that. she 'shouted' about "how can you not have the decency to remember you guilt? how can you forget him!" and "how dare i still be alive. " she was angry and told me that I should have died beside him...that i had no right to still be alive. she spent some time reminding me that it was my fault and that i should have been better and that had she been with him, he never would have...
i didn't know what to say. I let her go on for a while but...i did not know what to do. what could i say? i told her that i had not forgotten him. i told her how i did my best, that i tried to be there for him.. i tried so hard but she wouldn't hear of it...just telling me that i should have been the one...that i shouldn't be alive. she laughed and told me that she didn't expect me to respond because she had expected me to have taken my life a long time ago.
i had to leave, after a while of this. i...i could not sit through it...
i have worked hard at believing my friends here at harding. i have tried really hard to accept..to accept things that they say. but today, today i became of my friends her because..because i kept fearing they would do something..maybe say something...i know they wouldn't...i just. i always seem to find the people that can harm me most and i don't want this school to be like the others. it hurts, knowing that people, people that i called 'friend' would hate me for simply existing. i don't know what to do...i can not, i will not make them happy in this. despise what some people believe, i don't want to be at fault. i do not really want to blame myself for eric's..eric's death.
i think i held on to it as an excuse, as a shield. i used it because it was a reason to not get involved and not have to go through such pain again. i didn' know how to protect myself from someone committing suicide again, though i think i could help prevent it now...put...i ..i also do not think i am worth the effort, i mean, eric did not wait. he...he left me.
i just don't know what to do. should i hold on to the guilt? should i hold the blame? i have worked hard...i just want to do what is right and if it makes her happy, happy to blame me...then at least i can give her that happiness.
it hurts, but at least, at least she may someday find her peace and forgive me.