flower bunnies

drinking my carbonated kiwi drink. listening to (box car racer) i feel so by blink 182 and Winter by Tori Amos.
i am so tired of everything...of everyone, which is highly unfair but i look at people and then i want to cry.
i feel hurt. i feel jealous. i feel damaged and broken and bare to the world and just dont want anyone to see me...not like this. never like this.
i cant pretend to be happy anymore. im just to tired.
i feel such pain and hurt that it makes me angry and bitter
i feel like life is just this big ocean that i have fallen in except that its burned off my skin and that no matter what i do, no matter how i cry out...all there is is this horrible pain and that the only end is to give up and drown
sometimes i feel like my chest is swelling so much from grief that my forehead is going to explode as my tears flow forth.
it hate this.
i want to sit and cry to God...back when i wasnt afraid to talk to him.
i dont seem able to really talk to him..not anymore...i thank him...i tell him good night...i do what many others do...small comment here...a small prayer there...but i havent been able to talk to him
im afraid
afraid that my questions will eat me away
afraid that ill say something that i dont mean
or something that i do...
im afraid
things seem to be only getting worse; like there is no silver lining; no point, no hope
i question a lot of things
i question myself...a question the past and others...its getting hard to trust people, anymore...which is unfair...
but im starting to question my judgment.
im starting to question people
i dont understand people...
i am tired and i feel like im loosing
ive already lost my inner child, i lost the hope the helpless optimism. i no longer assume that things will work out, that things will be okay.
i question a lot of things...but im afraid to question him
he is all i have left...but it feels like he is pushing me away
and i dont understand it
ive stuck by him. ive tried. ive managed to stay the closest, of my family. i give up a lot of things, i have suffered...i still suffer...ive accept so many things...i had accepted that i had to loose everything in my life...not just once..but twice...at least twice. i lost my happy, oblivious world, ive had friends turn their backs on me, ive been torn from the friends who stayed by me. ive lost all the things that had brought me comfort, the things that i would tell myself meant that i was loved, that someone really cared...i lost home...my family, my freedom, my life...but it wasnt just once...ive gotten used to the thought that God can take everything from me, again, and again...i kept telling myself that it was worth it
i kept trying to stay close to him because he made himself all that i have...the one thing...but it feels like it was never enough...that he wants more..and i am so tired
why cant he just have me lose my life?
it would be faster and less painful...
but he wont let me die
i just want to die
but he made sure i knew that i cant do a thing about it
it was taken from me
my lost resort, my comfort. i cant have it now. he made me realize that i cant
and i can never try again and it makes me cry
it makes me bitter
it feels like i was slapped in the face while he crushes me to the ground
it hurts
and i want to know why but i cant ask
i cant question him because if i do loose my faith...what do i have left?
i hate myself
it sounds like im one of those ignorant people who refuse the truth because it means the were wrong...and that they'd have to admit it
but i cant help it. if i ever give up my faith, i will have nothing and it will mean that all these years will have been for naught
i cant accept that. there must have been a reason
a reason for why things never get better
never get better no matter how often i forced myself to believe otherwise
no matter how many excuses i made for things, how i road things off because i wanted to believe that things were going to be okay
but it seems that some of us werent meant for happiness...i always knew that, i guess, deep down
some of us are just meant to hurt so that others can be happy. it seems that is how the world was meant. that is what balances the world. its not good and evil but suffering. its the one thing that everyone has in common.
i am so tired of things being like that. it seems nothing goes right and i am tired, very tired of trying
i still dont know what to do, about my current youmustsuffermore issue and further validate my twins belief that its my fault that things happen to her because i didnt do the right thing or anything
i simply enjoy feeling forced to make people i care about further hate me...hate making them further hurt me and giving God bad name because they associate what i do to him
i hate how i reflect so poorly, upon him but fortunately, my light isnt very bright so maybe his image will not be so horribly tarnished
i wish for forgiveness but i feel like its untrue
i did a lot of self searching and i think that i prefer to be constantly punished...because i feel, i know that i deserve it...
and because it is who i am, it what my purpose in life is
i am the one who suffers silently tho ive been doing a poor job at it
i havent been that silent
i pray that i have the strength to go back to pretending, to pretend to be cheerful and happy...back to being the person people hated because they didnt think i had ever truly suffered.
i wish...i pray that i will stop being so angry
a friend of mine spilt milk over some of my things..i was angry, yes.
i was frustrated because i didnt understand how it could happen
but then again, accidents are just that. they dont really make since
but i was frustrated because it seemed like she was just staring in shock, which i guess i can understand...but i was frustrated that i went to the kitchen to get things to clean with and came back to her staring..and then while i tried to clean what was 'save-able', she seemed to ignore me and work on the thing that would have to be thrown away. i was frustrated but i understand that it would have been wrong to say anything or lash out, especially right before church..and i tried to ignore the whole thing; i tried to pretend that it didnt happen so that i didnt have to deal with it before service. i didnt need to deal with it
i am not mad at her, i dont want her to think that. and i know she was trying to help and didnt mean any harm. she never does...
it just seems that i have to much to have to deal with...i dont mention much to anyone...i dont really care about what people thin kabout me because ive already been thru such things, but it seems like things just keep building up because i refuse to deal with things, anymore...but i dont want to change that..
i am just to tired. ive been like that a lot, lately
i hate that
but right now, my bed is bare because i was busily trying to keep myself distract so that i wouldnt 'sound angry' because i know some people would probably get hurt and i didnt want to do that. i still need to throw away the pillow. but by the time i realized that i needed to make the bed..it was to late because i cant really reach the sheets without making noise. so i am just going to do without
but right now, i am hurting and not feeling good. i cant get the images out of my head. i just want to forgot them..along with all the other images...all the memories...i think memories are one of the worst punishments
they remind you of how things were...and how things will never be
i wish that i could forget everything...im tired
im cold. im crying. im going to try to sleep.