frustrated child

growing is a hard thing to do.
i don't mean by height, though, i admit that in my more foolish years i did try to force myself to grow...
but i mean as a person, to become the type of person one wishes to be...i want to be so much better than i am...i just...
i found myself crying again. i didn't mean to...but...sometimes things just happen, sometimes, sometimes we are not strong enough to go on hiding the pain we feel inside. i think that, that i have much growing to do...i find that though my sculptures and other such projects keep me delightfully distracted...they do, in their own ways, cause pain and stress...normally i can easily deal with such things...but with the other things in life piling up, i find that..that i have lost the ability to hide things emotional...i am too drained to constantly pretend to be happy, to be carefree...i want to be those things...for myself and others...but...i fear that as my muscles grow, my heart and spirit weaken....i am afraid to be around the others for long for...
one should keep their promise...even, even if it was foolishly made...one should uphold it until released. i have not yet found the release...but...
as i told deva, i am not sure i want to be released from the promise. she had asked me, if i wished to be...but...i feel like it is something that i can control in my life...i don't have control over so many things...and quite often i feel overwhelmed in my helplessness...my pathetic state of being...preventing myself from...from being seen crying, it feels like...like it gives me strength, strength to doggedly keep continuing.
i am stubborn. i refuse to ever allow myself the option of cowardly escape. it is no longer an option...even if my worst fears are realized, i can not do...can not attempt ever again.
that knowledge scares me but...normal people don't struggle with such, so why should i? i am normal...aren't i?
i want to be normal. i do not want to be noticed...though...i find what i want very different from what i do...i do not wish to be noticed; i do not wish to be remembered. i struggle with it. i want to make people happy. i want to bring people joy and make things ...i want to keep people distracted...distracted like how i wish to be...it is hard to do some of the things i do..but...everyone is worth it...even if i can get a stranger to smile, it is worth it...it is but...
i find the thought that the more that i do...the more that i attempt...the more it will be harder for me to be forgotten. i do not wish for people to think of me in sadness or regret...i think..i think i am going to try to tone things down..to blend in...i don't see most of the others anyway...so it will not be that difficult. i will become normal, i will let them forget me and then they will not have to ever be sad because of me...
but it is hard...i am trying to..trying to not act they way i do..which sounds stupid, but, but i am trying to act how...how i should...how people act, not like how i..i am trying to stop the wiggling, the squeaking, the pouncing, the nose and the hands things...no more hoping...i should, should lock up my tails and ears. i should start listening to calmer music.
i am trying to be what i think would be best...but i still don't know. i think that with the new me, that...people...will not be as weirded out by me...they won't be taken aback..and maybe..maybe i can reach out to some people...i don't know...i am trying to figure out the answers to so many things. i am trying really hard at... with everything...but..i want to be a good person. i want to be someone that people will listen to and with the way i am now...no one will take me seriously. i used to think that maybe, maybe my energy will be catching..and people will..would want to know...want to know what gives me such inner joy...and then, then i could tell them about my love for my Lord...but...it doesn't seem to be the case...it..it just distracts, and i seem to have no authority to say anything important..even when i try to say something serious...i get...giggled or laughed at..and even if the others don't say...don't do it out-right, i can see the laughter in their eyes...and...i want to be taken seriously...and i know it is my own fault that things are like this..but i am going to try and change...to grow up, to stop being so naive and innocent (as i have been called).
but sometimes...more often than not, i have been finding myself crying, wishing that someone would just tell me what to do, tell me what to do with my life, what decisions to make, what to say and do...i feel myself more the child, frustrated and not knowing what is going on or what to do. i want to give up and say' here i am, tell me what to do'. i want to give up my free choice, i want..i want to...i want to stop thinking.



thinking leads to me crying..and i don't want to cry anymore...i think that is why i so greatly dislike sleeping... because i have to deal with everything i have tried my hardest to avoid or ignore. i have little, if any control over what goes on. i am thankful that i haven't woken up screaming...but...i can not lift myself until i am certain my eyes have dried...sometimes...sometimes it causes me to be late for chapel..or class...but...maybe, maybe someday..the pain will stop and...it doesn't matter. what does not kill us, makes us stronger, no?
...sometimes i feel that i should be stronger...if that statement were true...but...

i think that if i refocus on becoming a good person, that maybe...maybe i can be happy...maybe my inner sorrow is why..is why my energy...my so called joy was not catching..because..because i failed and people saw through me..but...then again, i have sorrow and joy at the same time. it is quite difficult, but i often hold both in my heart...i think i feel to much...or at least, the emotions that i feel, they are experienced in large doses...
i need to start doing kind things again...random acts of kindness...perhaps fill the dryers again with quarters or...or put random dollars in snack machines..but those would have to wait for i have shamefully spent more than i should on myself this week...but i will be a better steward this coming week...i need to do something, i guess..for people for saint valentines day...though it wouldn't count as a kindness..but something that should be done...i haven't done anything nice, nothing truly nice, for anyone for some time...perhasp that is why my heart is heavy?
oh well, i have an exam in the morn. much needs to be thought over before bed..and i guess i should do more studying...